My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
We ended up sleeping in the emergency room for safety (you know, well lit, cameras..) and then an ambulance drove us to the train station around 4am. great last night in australia.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
I made him an O's fan. One pic of my tits coming out of a Baltimore shirt and it was done.
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
Randomize
