Only a mothe r could love this liver
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
My spanish teacher discovered you can watch spanish music videos on youtube. Guess what were doing in class today? Michael Scott Spanish 101
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Randomize
