remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
it was like his penis was on wheels.
You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
Randomize
