our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
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