9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Randomize
