why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Randomize