When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Randomize
