do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
Randomize