Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
We are going out Saturday. Oh and we might also be jousting on bikes.
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
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