Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
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