i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
