I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
Randomize
