so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
know what turns me on? long, stringy hair on a pasty looking girl with an overstuffed backpack and kneepads over her jeans in case she falls off her scooter
your less of a man for seeing that
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
