hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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