i need an iv and a liver transplant
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
