I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
Randomize
