omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
If a "boob" guy and an "ass" guy are discussing which you are better qualified for....just let them
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Randomize
