I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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