Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
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