Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Randomize
