I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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