I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
My spanish teacher discovered you can watch spanish music videos on youtube. Guess what were doing in class today? Michael Scott Spanish 101
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
Randomize
