The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
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