I just need someone to hold me and tell me i dont turn boys gay
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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