FYI..good luck when you get back from work.. mom and dad know about the boy you brought home last night
haha good one..how did you even know?
we all know. he obviously didn't leave when you might have told him to.. he came down when we were eating because he coud smell mom's cooking. the dude ate with us and offered to say grace. so yeah, good luck.
Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
Randomize
