1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
i might even pee on it at walmart i am so nervous
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
You took a bar mat shot.
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize