Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
I just heard an old guy ask the chick he was with if she wanted to try ass to mouth...
thanks for that.
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
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