I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
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