He was actually able to throw up in the bucket from the top bunk. im impressed.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
It was good. Ended up having a 3 hr make out session with her
What is this high school
There was a lot of catching up to do bro
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
Randomize
