Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
