what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
He passed out mid-signature
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
alll i remember is comming back downstairs, his pants were off and he was aplauding me
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
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