I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
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