Blackout barefoot maybe pregnant
Good decisions....
Just got blue box Mac and cheese things are looking up
the #6 from wendy's when stoned is definitely better than sex. i dont care what anyone says.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
I could fuck to npr.
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
Randomize
