i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
I need to sleep with 3 more guys by midnight to meet my 2010 resolution..
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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