Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Randomize
