I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
May the power of my ass compel you!!
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Randomize
