I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
reasons why jon gosselin is probably ur biological father: 1. ur half asian 2. hes everyones biological father 3. u wear ed hardy
sounds legit
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
Randomize
