There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
Best orgasm I ever had! I though we totally connected and I asked him to stay over. He went back to the sigma chi house and returned with his blankie and a 40. please help
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
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