I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
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