Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
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