Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
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