I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
You're earring is so big in my mouth
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
Ok, they now been on the roof for two days. I can see 4 cases of teecate and a carton of smokes. They are yelling at "fucking fall" and pissing off the roof.
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
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