if he's not good at sex i should be allowed to have sex with someone who is. that's a totally legit statement i think
I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
