i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
Ya it was crazy the power went just as she was about orgasm and the vibrator got fried with the power surge
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
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