It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
Move ovrr Titanoc and all you others. Heres the real tale of woe. This ladys failed search for boozdy goodnezs.
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
Randomize
