addddeeerrraaaallll.
ok i'm not sure if that was a success statement or a cry for help.
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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