shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
Your shirt... Was in my pants
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
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