How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
so evidently blowing a guy does not mean he will say hi to you when he sees you in class.. in case you're ever wondering
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
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