Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
we watched a tutorial on how to do guidette makeup
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
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