Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
Post a pic on facebook and see if those same 46 girls find shitting in the bed handsome and adorable
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
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