She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
