soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
