There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
I came so hard my ears popped.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
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