I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
Randomize
