If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
after a month anything with tits is on the radar
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
She swung at the pinata with crutches
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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