we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
Randomize
