She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
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