hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
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