He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
