Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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