he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
was it more than 30 minutes?
ya
then you're in a relationship
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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