my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
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