im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
Randomize
