On a scale of affliction to ed hardy, how douchy is in there right now?
Betty ford says i'm here all night
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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