I didn't shave. On purpose
It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
Normal people don't sit around and watch Degrassi for twelve hours...
FUCK YOU.
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Randomize
